I am having a hard time feeling grateful today. I know my life is filled with plenty and the list of blessings easy to compile, but still today, in the quiet of an early morning walk, I was more certain of that which does not work in my life, those things that come up short and leave me wanting. I feel shame in that regard, as though I should confess my emotional bankruptcy.
But I should be grateful for truth, my truth, and the truth today is I feel sad and empty. To sit at my desk and pen my tremendous gratitude for whales and watching them, for picnics, for Rafael Nadal and his tennis genius, for warm showers that wash away worries and anxieties, for a huge pot of peach chutney on the stove that speaks of readiness and pioneer-ism and wholesomeness, is all good and writing about my gratitude of these things is an absolute must for me, but today it is about being grateful for truth.
My truth today is I am missing my daughters, wondering how it is that I am so far away from three of them when I promised at their birth that I would always be there for them. I am a phone call away, an email, a text, but my arms are aching to hug them, to hear their voices, to run my fingers through their hair, to watch them in their unique perfection complete with flaws and shortcomings that make them even more perfect, to listen to their wonderful laughs, and their emotional sparring with each other. I miss them.
I don’t know how to do this life without reaching out and touching them. I don’t know how to wait for the next visit and not fear it is too far off in the future. I don’t know how to not worry if they are okay and if I have given them the skills they need to live a whole and meaningful life.
I am grateful I can walk Gracie and as she bounds over hill and dale searching out some imaginary prey, I can run the list of favourite memories through my head, some that make me laugh right out loud and others that make my heart swell and fill the space behind my ribs. I am grateful they are safe and healthy and expectant of joy and happiness. I am grateful for them, my daughters.